


Something Better

by Mamacita5012



Category: The Killing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 04:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14156748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamacita5012/pseuds/Mamacita5012
Summary: Season 4, episode 4They're both trying to keep it together after what happened at the lake. Then Holder comes to work fucked up. Later, he tries to apologize and looks to Linden for advice.What if Linden didn't end every conversation that could lead to something real?





	Something Better

  
Holder slides into the passenger seat and slams the door hard to shut out the rain. They talk briefly about the case and today's itinerary, as if nothing has changed.

But the elephant in the car makes him apologize for yesterday. Half-assed at first, but of course she won't let him get away with that. So he apologizes again, for real this time. And even though she shouldn't, she forgives him. _Thank God she forgives him_.

And then all of a sudden he's asking her for parenting advice, of all things. And she rattles some stupid one liners off the top of her head, like "Do your best" and "Just show up."

But then she says something that hits him right in the gut.

"You'll be alright."

How could she think that? After everything she's learned about him? Doesn't she know he's going to fuck this up too? Just like he's fucked up everything else in his life.

But maybe she's right. Could she be right?...

And then he's saying his thoughts out loud, baring his soul to her, even though he knows he shouldn't.

"Everybody's thinks I'm some piece-of-shit tweakhead...But you seem to think I'm something better."

His voice lifts at the end, almost cracks.

"Yeah, you're a 1-900 rock star."

They both laugh at her sorry attempt to avoid any conversation that's real, any conversation that actually means something.

He starts to take the hint and put on his seat belt, wishing she could just open up with him for one freaking minute, but she interrupts his train of thought.

"Holder." She grabs his wrist, acting all serious.

"I don't just think it....I know it."

He pauses, holding his breath while he considers her vague compliment, wondering in the back of his mind how long he can let her touch him like this without reciprocating.

He pushes that last thought even farther back.

"Yeah, but _how_ do you know it Linden? Why should I think you're the only one who's right about me? And everyone else is wrong?"

"First of all, those people who think that? Fuck them. They don't know you like I do."

He hears her curse so rarely, and he's surprised by her sudden anger. In defense of him, no less.

"And I know it because I _know_ you Holder. You're a good cop, and a good friend. You'd do anything to protect the people you care about."

He turns to face her. "Nobody knows me like you do."

But he avoids her eyes and looks away as he says, "Not even Caroline."

She finally pulls her hand away and turns, looking somewhere over the steering wheel.

He was nervous when she had first placed her hand on his wrist, but now that it's gone, he wants it back. He needs to feel her touch, anchoring him to his seat.

She pauses, breathes in quickly, and then lets out a puff of air.

"I could say the same to you. Not Reggie. Not Rick."

She sighs. "Not even Jack...

And somehow you're the only one who's still here."

He watches her out of the corner of his eye, trying to catch a glimpse of some missed cue. _Where is she going with this?_

"Sometimes, when I used to see the way you and Jack were together, so comfortable, so carefree, so...happy. I couldn't help but think, 'I wish Holder had been here back then. Back when Jack was little.' Maybe things would have been...different somehow."

"Yeah?"

He's surprised by her admission, and happy to hear that she thinks of him in this way. Fondly. As he so often finds himself thinking of her.

"I wish I _had_ known you then. Maybe I could've gotten clean faster. Hell, I prolly never would've started shooting up in the first place. Not with the thought of losing you in my head."

_Shit. He shouldn't have said that._

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He figures he can try to back pedal and weasel his way outta this one, or go all in.

He takes a deep breath and looks right at her. "You know what it means Linden."

"Holder, don't."

"Don't what? Be honest? I'm keepin a big ass secret from every person in my life right now, and I feel like I'm goin crazy, keepin all this shit inside. Addicts can't live that way. I can't keep a secret from you too. Not anymore Linden."

He's shaking as the gravity of his words sets in.

"Holder, don't make this mistake. Not again."

"That wasn't a mistake Linden!" He's indignant now. "That night. After Bullet. I was upset, yeah. But that was real. That's how I've always felt about you. I just couldn't keep it in any longer cuz I was wasting all my energy holding onto all that guilt."

She's staring at him with wide eyes and he knows he should stop talking, like, right the fuck now. Just take it all back and try to go back to how things were before. Before he ripped his heart wide open and she stomped all over it with her ugly ass work boots.

But as soon as the thought pops into his head, he already knows it's too late for that, he's already ruined everything between them in the span of 30 seconds. If she wasn't gonna run away already, she sure as hell is now. And so he might as well just lay all his cards on the table. Right here, right now. He's got nothin left to lose.

"That day, when I first walked into your office? Damn, I couldn't think straight. I was so glad to hear you were leaving, cuz I wanted to be good at something _for once_ , and I knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate with you around."

She tries to interject something, but he interrupts her. He has to get this all out before he loses his nerve and never gets another chance.

"But then you stayed. And even though you were a real pain in my ass, I just couldn't get enough of it. Of _you_.

But then the Larsen case was over, and you were gone. You just left."

He shakes his head now, because he still can't quite forget the image of her getting out of his car in that alley, and stepping out of his life, almost as quickly as he had stepped into hers.

"I tried not to think of you then. I asked you to keep in touch, but I knew you wouldn't. I tried to remind myself that I had only known you for a month.

Tried to convince myself I could do this without you. But that was a joke."

He gives a half-hearted laugh.

She finally gets a word in. "You were doing fine with Reddick. 'Batting 1,000, closed 7 cases in a row', remember?"

Now he's the one resting his hand on her wrist. He's looking right at her again. He lowers his voice and says sweetly, almost pleading with her.

"I'm not talkin about work Linden."

She's staring at his hand. She can't bring herself to look him in the eye. She knows what will happen if she does, knows she won't be able to stop herself.

She watches as his hand moves north, leaving goosebumps along her arm and butterflies in her stomach. She closes her eyes then, feels his hand on her forearm, her bicep, her shoulder. She's holding her breath and she can feel his, warm on her neck. She keeps her eyes closed as he lifts his hand from her shoulder and for a brief second, she's worried she missed her chance, for the second time in a row.

But then she feels him again, this time touching her cheek. And he's whispering "Sarah," as he turns her face to meet his, and she opens her eyes just in time to see his lips before they graze over hers.

It's soft at first, like they're both surprised that the other is going along with this.

But then they realize what's happening and it deepens into something urgent and unavoidable and he can't believe he waited so long to do this and she can't believe she waited so long to let him.

His hands are on her face and on her neck and in her hair, and hers are on his shoulders and his chest and his stomach.

And they're breathing so loud that they barely hear her phone as it rings on the console between them. It rings and it rings and it rings, and it finally registers in his mind what that noise is.

He pulls away and she's looking at him, confused, until she finally hears it too. She stares at it like it's coming from some other universe and she can't quite decide if she'll answer it, but then she does. _Of course she does_.

"Linden. Yeah. We're getting started now."

She slams her phone shut and throws it in the console, breathing a huge sigh. He's been staring at her while she talked on the phone, and he hopes this crazy magic spell they're under hasn't been broken.

She looks his way and says "We have to start searching those gas stations."

He looks away, finally letting out the breath that he just now realized he was holding. "Lead the way boss," he says flatly.

"Stephen," she says, grabbing his hand and lacing her fingers into his.

He lifts his eyebrows in surprise: at the sound of his name on her lips, at the warmth of her hand resting in his.

"I don't know how I could do this without you."

She smiles at him then, and he realizes what she is saying.

He picks up their hands and kisses the back of hers softly, letting it rest on his lips as he closes his eyes and breathes a sigh of relief.

That was enough magic for now, but this is the start of something new.

Something better.


End file.
